Lol nope. I would rather just be lost I think. Then again, how many female stereotypes do i ever fit...?

Religion

Ugh... i have NO luck with crushes, like ever. Except in the case of Alek, but that was kind of way different since we made out before we really clarified that i liked him -.-
As for the past, i told this guy that i liked him, and he kinda led me on forever and changed girlfriends and shit, but M was a douche. My current crush, well, he must never ever know.... trust me. I wish i didn't like him, I'm pretty sure that i don't have an adequate reason to, i mean he's not a bad guy or anything, it's quite complicated. But only a few people know i like him, and i won't make it obvious definitely... I'm just satisfied that i got a hug from him :D disregarding the fact that he wasn't all too nice about it -.-
In short, it depends. In the current case, no speaky de elisabeth.
Fin

That band is over soon, but also sad that it's not over because i miss my friends. I haven't really hung out with Alek in forever whcih really sucks. I want to just get together the guys and run around town like we did in the summer.
There are certain people who i wish would just kick off or move away or something, anything to get them out of my life... ok, maybe i don't want them to die, because they aren't people i hate, but you get the point.
I kidna wish therapy was more often, since it's only every other week. I like my therapist and i think i'll get lots out of it. In the meantime, my cutting problem has not imroved, but it no longer worries me.

In other news, i'm reading twilight, which Rachel said was awful (even though she didn't read it...?) and it's not unbearable. My guess was that it was written like bad fanfiction. I was wrong, It's written ike decent/good fanfiction. BUT still fanfiction. It's too rpedictable with a few plot holes, and the characters fall in love way too fast. I could definitely write something better, but i do read fanfiction anyway, and i tried to avoid vampire romance until this point, so i am enjoying the book more than disliking it. Which is all that matters anyway.

I want to hang out with Sean sometime because he's sweet. He cried blood today too, which was fantastic, but unfortunately i didn't see it; Maili told me about it. He got hit in the ye with a book a few days ago and now bleeds out the eye at random. Which, is of course awesome. I have a game tonight, preceded by asection party, so I'm leaving soon, and not getting back until sometime saturday, hopefully relatively early. I'm spending the night at maili's after the game, and then hopfully later in the day hanging with Alek? 
Idk. But if we do hang out i hope it's just us, or maybe Andrew too. I never mind Andrew being there. 

I really hope the freshmen of this year become much less retarded next year. Because most of them suck, and most of them mess around and talk and it's very aggravating. I'll have the authoity to give laps next year though, which will be fun. Sophomores can give pushups, but they don't really have a lot of power. SO next year, I'm going to pwn the band with my eternally awesome leadership skills.

I find that lots of things make me angry recently. Like, really fucking angry. I hate relationships, I hate people more than usual (and by hating relationships, i don't just mean being in them. I hate yours too) and every little thing bothers me ten times more than i'm used to. I feel like destroying things a lot, not just out of sheer fascination, like i normally do, but out of irritation. I don't like bieng like this because being pissed is obviously not fun. But i can't really help what annoys me, try though i may. I really hae tried. I just suck at it lol.

Maili andI have been ok for a long time now. That makes me happy too, because when we're getting along with no problems, we just rule. It doesn't make me miss Alek any less, but whatever. It's not like they're alternatives to each other anyway.

I am a salad fork

Today i have to do my homework, mow the lawn, sweep the landing, clean my room (whic never takes long, but still) and go to bed ridonculously early again. I'm going to talk to Molly, obviously, because i said i would. And Idk if i can even get to Alek's to do music shit. I also want to work on my book, while I still have inspiration. I have the first three character intros done in the first chapter, now all i need to do is write down the fourth one and think of a fifth. It was originally going to be 10 characters but fuck that.

I need to make sure i know of enough ways to keep the story interesting while the world is going to shit. Yes, random irreversible events can be good, but there has to be a stronger underlying plotline too, that isn't just driven by the characters' powers. And i have yet to think of anything really good for that. It will probably start when the characters start finding each other and the government starts trying to kill them. But still, they need to affect each other as people too.
And there needs to be a reason why they have their powers. Idk if I want to use god, like i had originally intended, because i know nothing about religion. Any religion. Especially the one that I'm suppsed to be  part of *is still thanking parents for not making me go to church*. GAH. It can't be a weird disease because threre are only five of them and they live really far from each other. Or should I just leave it a mystery? Superhero stories usually have a story behind the guy's powers, but i don't want this to be a superhero story because those are stupid. Plus, my characters fuck up the world beyond recognition, and the only good thing they manage to do is destroy it, so they arent really heroes anway. Argh. Until further notice, i don't have a reason. If you have any briliant idas for one, i woul like o hear them.

DELETED

I don't have any time anymore. And it makes me want to throw myself off a cliff... a big one, so i actually die, not a little one that will just hurt me and get me further behind in school. Fuck my language arts class. Definitely fuck my math class. I like band. I really fucking love band. But it's jsut piling onto my list of things that are taking time away from me... I got another thing from Fullsail today. I have to go to that college... it just pwns. BUT ANYWAY, back to what i was saying before. Yes. School. I'M DOING AWFUL IN EVERYTHING. Except spanish. I heart spanish ^-^ 

On a completely-irrelevant-to-what-i-just-said note, i dressed in the spirit of 3 cheers for sweet revenge today. So i pwn. I like MCR. I need to watch Life on the Murder Scene for the 7th time. And ASAP, i need to get The Black Parade is Dead. I also need there to be more moneys in general...

Well, i got to hang out with Alek, Evan, Andrew, and Zach for a little bit yesterday...which was good, cause i missed hanging out... Unfortunately though, i was dead tired, so Alek and I mostly just laid together on his couch for like 40 minutes. Which i actually thoroughly enjoyed. But still, it wasn't enough time >< hopefully this weekend we can hang more. And i can catch up on some actual sleep.

I need someone to play paper wars with because it's fun.

By the way, I hate my fucking gender. Yes, this has been reiterated about 4 quadrillion times, but I feel the need to say it again. I hate my fucking gender.

Algebra 2 is annoying. I'm bad at algebra in general, and now that i've missed a day, AND done the wrong assigment, i don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing and I  think i'm failing. Fuck. Plus, i'm tired of bing sick, even if it's not really that bad anymore. I'm not even contagious, i just have a stupid throat (which can be hilarious when people try to get me to talk) and can only make ridiculous squeaks half the time.
Also, i miss Alek :/ hopefully i can see him soon.
Well, this is coming to an abrupt end, because i have to go take a shower.

Well, as has been a recurring theme for the past couple years, i feel like crap -.-
There is no one to blame, because it is uncertain whose fault it is. Mostly mine, definitely. But aside from blame, which is pointless, the problem is this:
I feel worthless.
Again.
And all subsets of 'worthless', such as
powerless
more-harm-than-good
dull
weak
Anyway, you get the point. Worthless. With a hint of evil. I've always wondered what happens when evil realizes how terrible it is, and hates itself for it's deeds. Well, the wondering has stopped. And since i am ever the optimist in some way or another, i'm at least glad that i don't have to ponder that question anymore. But i'm getting off topic.
So the answer to all this worthless-feeling? Well, sitting around and wallowing in my worthlessness is the worst thing i could do, and it would prove my worthlessness more. Which, obviously isn't what i'm going for. Another option is to do something meaningful. Yes, i know. It's a given. The problem is, everything i try to do that's meaningful either fucks itself and hurts people, or doesn't actually work, leaving me still feeling worthless. And usually, when i was negative emotions, i can reason with myself and find legitimate reasons as to why i shouldn't feel like shit. But in some cases, such as this one, i feel worthless because i don't freaking do anything, and when i do, it fials ridiculously.
So
Back to my options. The third option is to harden myself to feelings such as this and embrace myself for the worthless piece of shit that i am, and learn to be satisfied with myself. I know i can do it. I've tried it before but i was always too scared to follow through with it, because of my source of happiness. My source of happiness is bringing people i cre about happiness. And this has become yet another catch 22. I feel like shit for not being able to fulfill my source of happiness, but i can't seem to let go of my source of happiness and replace it with apathy because, well, it's my source of happiness....
I think this blog is incoherent.
I'm really bad at writing when i have this much shit going on that i want to write down ><
As for turning to my friends, i can't do that either, because that could potetially burden them (assuming they give a fuck about me...lol) and that would further contribute to the feeling of worthlessness. If i could be positive that they really wouldn't be burdened or worried at all, then maybe i could get their help. but then again, what could they do? It's my problem, and it has to be fixed by my actions. Feeling worthless cannot be solved by someone else's words. I have to satisfy myself.

You see, in traditional shonen manga, this is the point in which the protagonist takes a long harrowing journey and fights bears. But since i have no where to journey to, or the strength to fight any bears, i'm just going to...sit here.....forever -.-
Yep, i am totally fuckin worthless.

So yeah, i'm currently boycotting relationships. Yes, there is someone i like, very much in fact, and he is one of my best friends. But, what nobody seems to understand, is that although we cuddle and stuff sometimes, we aren't dating, never will be dating, and have no desire to date, and all for a very good reason(s). When in a relationship, you are bound to your significant other, and there are certain things that you obviously aren't allowed to do, ex: making out with someone else, commenting on attractive people, etc. That sucks. It's nice to be free and single, and able to state whatver opinions you have. Also, breaking up more often than not kills any possibility of being friends with that person again, and if you can remain friends, it won't be the same as it was before the relationship. So, until someone who is completely amazing and can deal with ALL of my opinions, and ISN'T one of my friends randomly shows up and i fall TOTALLY in love with him, no more relationships! The problem with this, is that the concept of 'friends with benefits' is frowned upon. There isn't really a good reason for that, but that's how it is. So even though friends with benefits is the easiest way to be free, unattatched, and unscathed, everyone will hate you for it. So that kinda makes me a little uneasy about getting into that kind of thing, even though it would make the most logical sense for me. It's not like i'd mess around with all my friends, just people with whom i have a mutual attraction, and i'm not even attracted to people easily. But of course, i still can't do anything about it, because i'm pretty sure my parents wouldn't like that too much, and since they kinda own me until i'm 18, they kinda have a say in shit like that ><
so yeah, your take on this? i would like to hear it. and DO NOT tell me i'm going to hell. i already know that. 

the above is a lie, i don't know that i'm going to hell, because no one has any damn foundation on the belief that there is a hell, so we shouldn't even assume that there is one. religious debate anyone? please say no.
 there is no point in having arguements such as those, because people only believe what was pounded into their heads from birth. the only reason we don't all still believe in santa is that santa supposedly comes down to earth and into our houses, which we can disprove on our own.
 but any hack can tell there kids oh hey, the world was created by a giant rooster who lives on saturn, and you'll never see him, but he can see you. and what do you know? the kids will beleive it. it's just a story, and the same goes for religion. tell your kids there's a god, and they'll believe it, and since they can't disprove it or prove it, they'll probably take the easy way and assume it's true. 
don't tell your kids there's a god, and they won't one day go "i bet there's a guy called god who had a son named jesus who..." they beleive what you tell them. it's a form of brainwashing. and why only a handful of people see this, i will never know, but we have a point and you know it.
or maybe you don't know it, because you don't want to listen to anything that threatens to undermine everything that's been smashed into you brain once a week from the day you were born. you're perfectly content with believing and never questioning for the sake of security and stability. 
i personally could never accept doing that, but if it keeps you safe and warm at night, who am i to try and take that away from you? again, i personally could never live with faith unitl i had absolute proof that i should. and even then, it's too much of a hassle, so i'd probably just blow it off anyway ;)

let the controversy flow ;)

 it starts soon. and i'm pumped as fuck
today i have my first music reading clinic with the other trumpets. I'm a second this year and hopefully i won't fail at it. But, i have faith in myself, so we'll just see how it goes
This year's pregame is different than last year's, which is cool, because that means everyone will (hopefully) stop whining and bitching about it all the time because last year it was annoying as hell. "i hate this new pregame, mehe meh meh, i want hang on sloopy back, meh meh meh meh, our band director is so stupid, meh meh me," shit like that. It doesn't get anyone anywhere, and it just pisses off those of us who can get over it. So no that we have teh old pregame song back, hopefully everyone will shut up and be happy about it. BUT, knowing our band, there are abound to be people who are still unsatisfied. ARGH! Not everything is going to go your way, people, and you shoud be grateful that anything is going your way at all. So if you're not happy about it, I'm going to destroy you all
Wow, this turned into a rant. This is why i love to write

I like it.



Seriously Now

Ok. As awesome as the soup bulletin was, i actually do have something to say.
and i have forgotten it.
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ok i got it
actually, now it doesn't sound nearly as important as i thought it did.
nevermind
 

 Ususally when i hang out with the regular group around town, we try to be noticed, we try to push the limits, and we try to make a scene and make things awkward. We want you to disapprove or shoot us the 'WTF' glance. We mess with each other, we attack each other, we don't really talk about anything that'll ever matter again. But as the day dies down, and we're all at the cemetery or the playground at night, there's no one to mess with, freak out, or be stupid for. And the conversation becomes one of the most amazing, meaningful things ever. The meaning of life, the secret behind a lot of things, separation from the machine, etc. We talk about love, lust, dating, friendships, and the difference between natural attraction and forced preconceptions of the way relationships should work. And even if there's no one around to see us in the day, we don't talk like that. Only at night. And the freedom of night added to the freedom of the people i'm with; what with their apathy and general male-ness; make everything easy to talk about and every problem discussable, which is rarely possible for me. I wish i could stay up all night in the park with these guys and just talk until we fall asleep in the grass.

 Well shit. I'm stuck. Because i never have enough freaking time in my day to just do stuff. I'm frustrated as hell, because i want to go places all the time, and i can't. And i want to just be able to have my alone time where i play video games and use the internet, and release all my stress built up by human contact. And i also want to talk to people and such things. Well, i feel trapped... Because the balance is getting fucked out of its cycle, partially because i sleep until 1, yes, but since that is necessary for me to get a decent amount of sleep, that part's not going to change. I feel like so many people want to talk to me or hang with me all the time, that i don't have time to just chill by myself anymore, which is ovewhelming. BUT, i don't want to seem like i'm blowing off all my friends when i'm just stressed and want some me time. Because i'm pretty sure some of my friends are starting to think that i'm blowing them off >< which i really don't want to happen. I really need to find a way to acheive a balance, so sometimes i give up my alone time for my friends, and sometimes i reserve some time absolutely for me to chill alone. And still not be unhappy with it. I don't want to hurt anyone or upset anyone, but i don't want to hurt or upset myself by stressing myself out ><
ARGH!!!
why do catch 22s follow me everywhere like a pack of deranged vultures?

my best friend and i have made it our goal this summer to stop that stupid on again off again thing we have had for a while. basically, she'll get mad for a stupid reason, i'll get way too freaked out and paranoid about it, and nothing gets fixed really. it frustrates her that i flip out over nothing, and it frustrates me that she gets mad over nothing. i've agreed to calm down and not get so moody over something silly, and in turn she's agreed not to take her anger out on me so much, and we've decided to just fix whatever problems may arise right when they happen, without me trying to sugar coat stuff so as not to make her mad (because that actually just irritates her, and i dont really blame her for that). i'm pretty sure that this new theory will work out better than no theory at all
wish me luck in any case

well, in other news, i have my history exam tomorrow and then I'M A SOPHOMORE! XD
i also have Soma by Teh Pumpkins stuck in my head.
in more other news, A Detroit Red Wings fan was ejected for throwing an octopus and then snuck back into the game. how fuckin epic is that?
since i dont care about sports, i would totally do that. throwing an octopus. well that just makes my day. much like this:
 
so i think i did great on my LA exams. vocab was a joke as usual, and the romeo and juliet test was pretty easy considering i have almost the whole damn play memorized (not on purpose, belive me). i think there's only 1 or two things i wasn't positive about on that test. speaking of romeo and juliet, my frerard fic based on R+J is complete, and written in my purple notebook waiting to be typed. this will of course happen only after the view from heaven is typed and posted completely. i already have enough to worry about with that, the sohma game, and the rest of my life... -.-

 well, i think i'm off to play zoo tycoon. but since i'm very indicisive, i have arleady changed my mind and have decided to get some waffles and then a shower
actually no, i'm just gonna shower.
actually, scratch that, i'm going to take a bath

if the cursor is not a squid, let me know in a comment